Years ago, I felt like my life was over.
I had a long road to walk before I learned to pick up the pieces.
Well meaning people around me decided that rather than simply finding a way to still do the thing that I loved, I should just drop all of that and do something else entirely.
What was picked for me was Counseling.
I looked at this thing that was supposed to give my life meaning, and felt empty. I assumed I was the one at fault, not it.
Every now and then, I'd run off to my true passion, and I'd find myself feeling really guilty about it.
I felt selfish, because I was supposed to find meaning in being a therapist... Yet it wasn't happening.
And Counseling just kept screaming nonsense at me, so I put it with all the other stressors.
Of course, I kept getting new ones from people too,
and others just wandered in on their own...
They all looked kind of the same, so it was hard to tell which were important and which were really not. As a result, I treated each as equally important.
I ended up neglecting the ones I had put there myself.
This means that eventually, I was taking care of EVERYTHING else...
...until I stopped caring for myself at all.
Like I said, I felt guilty and selfish for not paying every ounce of attention to the ones other people told me were necessary and important.
How far down did I have to go before I realized what I was doing to myself??
I was right that it wasn't fair...
but I was wrong about which party was being neglected and hurt.
I blamed myself.
It was hard because I didn't want it. ...but being a therapist is tough even when people DO want it.
So, that couldn't be my fault, right?
Trying to fake it was exhausting at best, and depressing when I realized I still hadn’t tricked myself.
I felt guilty drawing.
As that was my main source of feeling like a real person again, it was a shame to stop.
I wanted to be passionate and to love Counseling, because I thought that all good people naturally want to do that... but not only is that untrue, it was unfair.
I've had enough crappy therapists to know that. Besides, you can't fake love and passion.
Being “good” at it didn't mean it was good for me, much like any other one sided relationship.
Finally, I looked at Counseling again.
I moved it to see what life was like without it.
I found that I felt lighter.
Away from me, I could analyze its true use, and realize that I was not the best person to take care of it.
Counseling was fine without me too.
I'm still surrounded by stressors, but some are welcome.
Others are a real necessity, and I'll continue weeding out the ones that aren't.
It has even freed up space so that I can get back to my physical health.
I've already had less panic about eating, and I actually enjoy the gym again.
The take away here is that guilt is never a good reason to live life for someone other than yourself.
I am ready to start finding out who I really am.
People find themselves drawn to different professions for a lot of reasons.
Personally, if I had my way and all the money required, I'd be a cartoonist.
Still, gotta make a living somehow, and being a Psychologist not only makes sense for me, but allows me the opportunity to help someone...
...Or accidentally screw someone up pretty badly.
Exciting!
Okay, so I'm actually pretty terrified.
That being said, I learned what to do from my classes, and what NOT to do from most of my therapists.
I've had a lot of therapists.
I take this as a strength.
I've been where the client is.
Also, as a therapist, I'll know that not all cases will be the same.
I even had a therapist direct me to a hypnotist who got SUPER excited over the idea of me puking in her office.
Let me explain that one.
See, I told her that I was having nightmares.
She asked what happens when I wake up.
I told her that if they are really bad, I get sick.
Her response was:
And so my response was:
And my mother promptly removed me from the woman's office.
Mind you, I've had nice, sane therapists too.
My current one, in fact.
She's been very helpful, which means she's been supportive in a way that allows me to come up with what I need to do for myself.
She guides without telling, and gives hope when needed.
The one before her also wasn't awful.
She was an art therapist and helped me learn that I like art therapy techniques but would like to do other things with clients.
The one before that one was mostly... Good?
...ish?
She went out of her way to say that once I was diagnosed with PTSD, that would be my life forever.
Don't tell your client, who is in your office to get better, that there is no such thing as healing or a future without intense psychological pain.
Not cool.
Also, she was wrong.
So, let's get to the utter shit of it, shall we?
When I was of Bat Mitzvah age, I went to a woman about my crippling anxiety and dealing with some physical pain.
After hearing that I was not going through this traditional Jewish ceremony (which was a very minor part of my story), she explained to me that:
Yeah.
She decided to let me know that I'd be "letting my congregation down" and that the rabbi and my own PARENTS would hate me for not doing it.
This was utter crap.
I responded with a:
And my parents reassured me that they weren't going to disown me AND that I didn't have to see that woman ever again.
It turned out that my family actually knew her, but didn't realize that she had a different last name than her child.
My father was training her child for his/her Bar/Bat Mitzvah.
Projection! Don't do it!
Next up was a woman I actually had twice.
What I mean by that is that I saw her for many months, then switched to someone else, and then tried her again.
I had left the first time because she was very open about also being the therapist for a frienemy of mine.
She'd talk openly about said friend/enemy and I felt uncomfortable, realizing she was probably doing the same about me.
Breach of confidentiality, for one thing.
The second time was somehow worse.
I was talking about something... I don't remember what.
It triggered her.
She started crying.
A lot.
I was not crying.
Pretty much everything this lady did went on my "Don't do this to people" list.
Still, not as bad as a woman who forced me to take drugs.
Look, if you have a chemical imbalance and want to be on medication, more power to you.
It can be helpful.
I didn't want it.
Beyond that, I had ZERO signs of clinical ANYTHING that wasn't direct cause and effect.
I had anxiety and some depression because my legs didn't work right and my sister was scary.
I wanted to talk about it.
I wanted to find ways to work with it and build my life into something better.
She decided that would be too difficult, and handed me a pill.
Since I had said from day one that I did not want to take any medications, and she had agreed...
I figured I must be REALLY screwed up for her to demand I try them.
...So I took the pill.
It didn't take long before I started feeling like I wanted to kill myself.
I had never felt like that before.
Thankfully, I was able to see that it was the medication having a strange effect on me.
In retrospect, the fact that she didn't mention that as a possible side effect, the fact that she talked me into taking something at all, and the fact that she didn't mention just STOPPING instead of weening off of it could be dangerous...
Bitch could have killed me.
DON'T DO THIS TO PEOPLE.
And you know what her response was when I said I wasn't going to take it anymore?
Thankfully, I had brought Dad in that day.
I don't even know why I had dragged him in.
Maybe I was afraid of what else she'd ask me to do.
He told me I never had to see her again.
...She had always silently repeated everything I said with her own lips anyway.
That was really creepy.
Like I said before, there have been good therapists in my life.
They don't need to be on this list in pictures because every day that I talk about the progress I've made shows how not-shitty they are.
Those are the people I hope to emulate.
I hope to be a not-shitty therapist.
