Lovey Dovey, Except That I'm A Loon

Now, it's true that in past "relationships" I've been known to blame things on myself that were not my fault (See: Every single post about a year ago and that whole year prior) and I often forgave people who probably should have just been cut right out of my life.  

And then I came back home. 

These days, I'm fully aware that I deserve better, and I've watched myself move past a fairly fucked up set of trauma symptoms.  

Don't get me wrong here, I still have some and I will always have some things to work through, with and around.  
That does not mean that I cannot live my life the way I want to live it.

I've also become a little paranoid, assuming that I must always be wrong about people and no longer trusting myself.  I'm working with that.  
The fact that I'm actually pretty content (besides not seeing most of my friends NEARLY enough) means that I'm somehow more afraid.  

Having stuff to lose is scary for me. 

And then there is Rob.  

My other housemate is also endlessly sweet (and single, ladies!) but for some reason his sweetness doesn't freak me out besides making me feel like I should be baking him cakes or something.  I don't know.

But Rob...  He freaks me out.  
He thinks I'm pretty in the morning: 

And he makes sure that I actually eat: 

He is TOO nice to me and kind and open and I have trouble believing that I deserve that.  

I spent so much time getting settled in the idea that I was being treated poorly for a reason, that it is now hard to feel anything else.  

When I'm crying for no reason or having a panic attack or whatever comes with being me these days, he is calm and comforting and supportive.  

Sometimes, I wonder if he really understands what is happening: 

He actually, openly wants to spend time with me.  
He doesn't want to hide me away as some embarrassment like so many other people have in my life.  
He doesn't call me crazy, and does not let me call myself crazy, even when I'm doing incredibly crazy things.  

That being said, he is also really excited to see me, all the time, beyond what might be normal.  
This works, because he and I are both pretty clingy with each other, and we both know to give each other space when needed.  

On days where, with anyone else, I would have just hidden away and hope I survived, he texts me when he can't be there...

 ...and holds my hand when he can.  

I am not yet used to that. 

I'm sure it makes everyone around us ill, but I'm too thankful to hold it back. 

It's only four months in, and we've seen each other every day.  I'm sure this will wear off eventually.   

Right?  

...Or, we'll be like my parents, and that would be nice too. 

Duck Season, Rabbit Season, Allergy Season

As you may know by now, I'm allergic to everything.

This season is particularly bad and it is affecting every part of my body.

Even my hair looks particularly shitty for no reason:

And then, of course, I'm just constantly leaking:

In fact, by this point, it's less my nose and eyes and more my ears:
 

I am so very attractive!

Between that and the puffiness and the dry skin, I wind up feeling like I look like a Cro-Magnon made out of clay:

A week ago, I was at my friend's house for gaming.
I like to roll dice and hit imaginary things.

The problem was that allergies had hit me HARD and I wasn't willing to take an antihistamine.  My logic was that we game pretty late anyway and I'm always half unconscious by the end of it.  I didn't want to add to that by being half asleep from the beginning.

So, I decided to tough it out.  This meant bringing a trash bag and a roll of toilet paper for my snot:

I actually went through that whole roll in a couple days.  So much snot.

The other side effect of not being entirely prepared for my seasonal allergies is that I got loopy:

 

And then passed out anyway:

 


In fact, I was so very loopy at this game that my roll of toilet paper became my favorite toy.  This happened because I realized when it was smooched, it was smiling:

Then, I managed to somehow dissect it, taking out it's cardboard to create a stand:

This was also, at one point, a hat.  …Later on, Rob also used it as a hat almost instinctively.  Yes I <3 that man of mine.

Speaking of my Knight in Pinstripes, he considers himself to be immunize to any damage.  He proudly states this often and every time he does, I think an anvil is going to cartoonishly fall on his head and break his whole body just to prove some Karmic point.  It has not done this so far.

However, he is an ex-smoker.  This means his face used to be pretty much clogged with random chemicals and he wasn't breathing so well, but he was used to it.  Now that he can breathe and smell, suddenly places he used to tolerate and parties that were bearable are now just as utterly disgusting to him as they are to the rest of us.  On top of that, now he suffers from seasonal allergies.

He is a little like Captain Hammer in that since he doesn't generally experience physical discomfort, it's a big freaking deal when he does.

So when he started to have a few cold-like symptoms from allergies, he flipped out and kept asking if he had a fever.  He acted like he might be dying. 

Mind you, his symptoms were over in a couple days.  Me?  I've been having migraines, my body and my mind are all affected.  Of course, I'm also allergic to everything.

It seems the big culprits affecting people this year are mostly:

Dust is not such a big deal for me.  My indoor allergies are not NEARLY as bad as my seasonal outdoor allergies, and those in turn are not as bad as a couple of my food allergies.  Still, there is something to be said about the overall allergy load.

If I'm already having a set of reactions from one thing, I don't want to add to that.  My immune system is already in over drive.  It winds up like the straw that broke the camel's back.

...
 

By the end of this season, I typically have just melted into a puddle of semi-recognizable goo:

BUT!  In this crappy allergy season, at least I'm not suffering alone!


*cry*

Exams, Explanations and Excuses

You know how life tends to happen all at once? This week is that.

I started out last week as my normal sort of miserable but functioning self, and then I started to relax a bit because I started getting to know someone cool (a friend started calling him my Knight in Pinstripes), Xena, FATE and I were looking for a place to live, school was going well enough and I even had some commissions to do.

We found a place and the move in date is RIGHT NOW. I'll do a post all about our cute Russian landlord and the area itself... For now, I have no time.

I'm not even sure if I'm breathing.

Moving in is not the problem. We have the place, so I'm putting off packing and doing anything concerning that for at least a week.

No no. The problem is the everything else on top of the moving.

These are mostly good things. 

Like, I now have a bazillion commissions to do.  ...And requests.  This is awesome except that time is a thing.  Time is a thing that I don't have. 

Also, Genericon is this weekend. The fact that I'm entirely unprepared is my own fault.

I have a table in Artist's Alley.

...

I HAVE TO MAKE THINGS RIGHT NOW

and that is not something I can put off.

Genericon and talking to men actually sport the same problem for me these days.

I want physical contact, 

but I instantly talk myself out of it.

...And then I get upset with myself because just shutting off and changing my mind is a difficult thing to do.  

Sometimes, I force myself to accept things, and I'm really happy for a moment.

Like, super happy.

And then the allergy weirdness and paranoia sinks in.

And I over think and can't seem to shut it off.

I wind up feeling like I'm being hugged by cashews.

So, given all that, my interactions at this three day convention might be... interesting.

Still, I expect to have a small army of companions who already consistently put up with my shit by my side.

How does someone so reclusive, twitchy, and anti-social have so many friends? Whatever. I'm not gonna knock it.

Oh, and I have a midterm today.

...and one on Thursday.

Genericon is Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

...Wednesday is game. Game is fine. Game is good. ...I may bring things to sew at game.

...

*flails*

EDIT:  Genericon went really well, despite my poor assistant having a fever.  (Z, I love you)  
I have almost a desk in the apartment and we ...think?  ...my other shit will fit?  The problem is not the bedroom.  The problem is getting it through this tiny, curved hallway that leads into the room.  We'll see.
I have date today.  ...Tonight.  woo