Thursday, December 30, 2010

New Thing to Add to the List of Stuff I Can't Draw!

I had sent a guest comic over to

Later on, he had stated that late submissions would be accepted, provided they came with a picture of a giraffe riding a skateboard.  ...Well, my submission was on time but, I figured "what the Hell?" and tried to draw a giraffe.  I included this email: 

"Hello again.  I realize that my submission was not late, but upon seeing the bit about "giraffe riding a skateboard", I decided to give that concept a shot for fun.  (Also, I have WAY too much time on my hands.)  ...Unfortunately for everyone involved, it did not occur to me that I had NO idea how to draw a giraffe, until I had already created the atrocity you will see in the attached picture.  Then, after the fact, I looked up what I giraffe actually looks like.  ...That's where that second, floating head comes from.  I don't know about the leg.  The leg came later. 
"Pushing myself to draw new things" really works much better when I have a sense of what I'm doing first.  Oh well. 


Nightmares? No. "Silly-weird...mares"

Dream I just had, plus me trying to "fix" it:

Three guys, 1, 2 and 3 in car.   1 is now Fred, 2 shall be Ned and 3 will be Ted.
Ned and Ted are in the back, and Fred is in the front, by the steering wheel.  Since the car isn't moving, we assume they're at the drive in or something.

Suddenly, Ned EATS Ted whole, and then slithers under car seat and bites Fred's foot. 

At this point, Ned and Fred come up again and they're eyeless, open mouthed zombies.

(Here is where I suddenly wasn't watching anymore.  I was now Fred, in the driver's seat.  Like, I saw that my hands were his cartoon hands and everything... so I see that only Ned is back there and I realize what's happened... and before he can zombie me, I start throwing my shoe at him and screaming and "hitting myself" until I wake up in real life...  Then, I make up the new ending in sort of half-asleep mode, to make myself feel better.  The next part is what my brain came up with:)

So Fred wakes up in the front seat of the car, looks back and sees just Ned sitting there behind him.  Fred responds by screaming and throwing a sneaker at Ned's head.  He keeps screaming, trying to wrestle out of the car, trying to grab bunnies from outside of the car, (I don't know why there were bunnies) to throw at Ned.  Fred fails at bunny throwing, dives out of the car and runs away screaming.

Ted gets up from where he was looking for something in the back seat, says "I found it!  ...Hey, where's Fred?"  Ned's like, "Dude.  He just started screaming and he threw a shoe at me."

Ted blinks.

Ned, "A shooooe."

Fred runs screaming off into the distance

Ted to Ned, "Wanna make out?"  They start making out furiously.

Fred gets to his girlfriend's house.  (She looks just like the three boys do, but she has eye lashes, hair and a dress shape) We'll call her "Ed...ina"?  Fred says, "You don't understand!" and tries to explain as she just blinks at him.

Caption on screen reads, "Three months later..."  Fred is wearing a chicken suit.

The end. 

I was already sick to my stomach, so I guess I already had the icky feeling I tend to have after a nightmare...
So my brain just went "OH!  I know what to do when the body feels like this!  Do something weird and scary!"

Aaaaaaaaand now I have the old Winnie the Pooh song stuck in my damn head.  This happens when I'm ill.  My body says, "How can I make this worse?  I know!  I'll make her go from one bit of song to the next, at random, whilst she vomits!  Joy!"

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Me vs. Winter

A word on Winter

First off, I'm so used to being sick during the cold Winter months that the moment it snows, I curl up in a thousand blankets in front of the computer or TV and start eating ridiculous foods or just utter crap or just so much chocolate that I shit the sick out.  

So, as I write this, you can go ahead and picture that.

I've never been great at retaining heat.  
It just does not want to happen with my body.

When I was a kid, I didn't do much playing in the snow.  

We were forced to go outside for recess and I was forced to wear snow pants, because... 
I was a child and therefore logically I would be playing in the snow. 

This is not what I did.  

Snow is cold and wet and all things that make me uncomfortable, so I avoided snow in much the same way that I avoid all things that make me uncomfortable when I have no reason to be near them.

...I avoid it like I would avoid a dirty hippy explaining the joys of eating things I'm allergic to.

Also, my Christian friends were hearing things like "If you're a good boy/girl, Santa will bring you gifts", which they interpreted as "my little Jew-friend does not receive gifts from Santa, which means she must be a bad person."  

Then, they decided to tell me this, in great detail.  

It was like a junior version of Jehovah's Witnesses.  
"Have you accepted Santa into your life yet?  No??  Then you will NOT be receiving joy or presents."

I went to my parents and asked them what the Hell this Christmas shit was all about and why it meant that my eight nights of Hannukah didn't count as getting presents.  

My parents responded with simply, "Oh!  It's the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ!"  
And I said, "OH!...  What?" 

I went on to assume that Jesus was a fat man who broke into people's houses in the dead of night to plant trees in their living-rooms as some sort of practical joke against all of nature and all that is sacred within the safety of one's home.  

Then there was something about nailing socks to fireplaces.  

This cued a Nightmare Before Christmas moment of "does it still have a foot???"  

This is what I picture when I think of Santa:

He knows when you're asleep...

Somewhere along the line, it was explained to me that most of the traditions involved didn't really have anything to do with the religious aspects of Christmas at all.  

They were mostly pagan traditions and other religious things from completely different areas of the world, all brought together in the spirit of joy and giving and love... 
...and forcing people to practice Christianity. 


SO, eventually I let that slide and decided that most of the population had no idea what they are celebrating and that was fine because it makes them happy.  

I learned to ignore the "Jews can't make snowmen" and "Jews can't look at the lights"... but was eventually made angry once again when someone tried to "explain" Hannukah. 

(By the by, Hannukah is spelled a thousand different ways because it's HEBREW, so please don't tell me I'm spelling it incorrectly.  The moment it's spelled with English letters, it's fucking wrong.)  

I was told that it was the celebration of the miracle of the oil lasting for eight days. 



This is complete bullshit.

It's the celebration of the Macabees kicking ass.  

It was like 300 only they actually won.  

It was bloody and violent and about freedom.  

The end.  

Honestly, what's up with trying to lie to our children?  
Either way, fine. 

The new story is more kid-friendly I 'spose.

I'm still kinda stuck on how Jesus coming back from the dead has much to do with giant Harvey/Frank-like rabbits laying chocolate eggs. 

Really, if you're going to steal holiday ideas, at least force them to make sense.  
Make up a story.  
This is all I ask. 

How about... In order to deal with all of the sins for which he had just died, his old form was shed to reveal that of a giant rabbit-man.  

This way, he could sneak out with ease and deliver joy and love in handy egg-shaped carrying cases!

I rant about this now, because come Spring time, I won't be so cold and filled with hate. 

Cold = hate.

This year, I actually had a pretty good Christmas.  

We went to my boyfriend's parent's house.  

I was allowed to help decorate the tree.  

EDIT: "Allowed" was a good term to use here.  It turned out that the family involved was weirdly antisemitic and enjoyed watching me decorate the tree ALONE while mocking me.  

Except for the whole "oh my god I'm going to drop this and it's going to shatter and I'm going to go to some kind of Jew-Hell for breaking this sacred Jesus-tree decoration" part, it was very exciting and a lot of fun for me.  

The music didn't even get to me.

For those who don't know, I have a thing against most Christmas music only because of Hallmark.  

I worked there for a few months.  

It was fun work, but they found out that I don't celebrate Christmas.  

This was terrible.  

As a result, I didn't really know what I was doing, yet I was chosen to work alone ALL CHRISTMAS.  

To make matters worse, I was not allowed to change the music.  

It was automatic and I had no means of turning it off, besides maybe smashing the damn thing to bits... which I thought about. 

This comic came from that:
Deddrie: Hellmark

In case the site is down, here is that comic: 

At one point, a creepy man put a twenty dollar bill into my pocket as a tip for wrapping a gift for his wife... who was standing right there.  

I wanted to cry.  

Not only was it somewhat illegal for me to accept it, (so I tried not to and failed) but I have never been so very upset over receiving $20 before.

Also, I may or may not be allergic to pine. 

I'm not sure.  

I get itchy and eye-drippy around them, but it may just be Hallmark flashbacks getting to me.

Happy holidays everyone!  


Thursday, December 23, 2010