Friday, December 2, 2011
On Mornings and Happy Depressions
This causes me to get ready and feel really accomplished...
Until I realize that I have nothing to do.
Meanwhile, when I do have something to do, like class...
There is also a third option, now that I've moved. We have people come over randomly, without so much as a phone call. I also have a boyfriend who had no concept of foresight or planning. Now, if I were a friendly person, this would not be a problem. At all. ...But I'm not... At all.
As such, this is a typical situation:
In reality, these people are generally very nice. We just have a poor system of communication in my house.
In fact, some of "these people" are actually my friends. I just don't do well when startled.
Like, at all.
I smile, nod, and sit there trying to make polite conversation, but then I feel drained. It's left over bits and pieces from a social anxiety. Give me an office and/or an appointment, and I'm awesome. Show up and startle me, and I'm just a heap of unhappy.
So, I wind up feeling drained. Emotionally drained, for no real reason.
As a result, once someone else comes home, I tend to retreat to my bedroom to try to get that private awesomeness I wanted to begin with. Sometimes, this will last for days and wind up a strange sort of happy depression.
A "happy depression" is the only way I can really title it.
I go for sometimes a week or so not wanting to leave my room or get dressed or do anything productive other than art-related crap... But I'm very content.
I don't want to hang out.
I don't want to deal with anything ever.
I think about dropping out of school forever (I won't. Chill.)
I think that I could some how magically draw for a living and just sit there doing what I love instead of ANYTHING ELSE, even fun things.
From the outside, this looks like a bout of depression.
From the inside, I question if it is one.
But... I'm pleased.
These are the days where I either get up at the crack of dawn, or I get up around noon.
See, there is also this issue of time, when it comes to mornings.
The hour I wake up has a lot to do with how that day will go and feel.
Sometimes, when I wake up too early, I think, "Awesome! I can go back to bed for a couple more hours!"
This is terrible. It never ends well, and yet... I do it all the time. It's like a dog repeatedly running into an electric fence. ...Why? Why do I do this to myself? Do I think it will suddenly change?
What happens is, first, I can't go back to sleep until I go to the bathroom. I try to trick myself sometimes into not fully waking up, by not turning the lights on, or not entirely opening my eyes:
But I'm always kind of awake when I get back. So, I'm either too awake and thus can't go back to sleep, which is better...
Or I go back to sleep, and my body treats it like a nap.
My body hates naps.
Sometimes, I wake up too late (even when I have nothing to do, there is a "too late" around 2PM) and feel like an utter failure.
Or, sometimes, I wake up at the time I wanted to be up... and then I'm just miserable. I feel like I've not gotten enough sleep. Like all that sleep before just doesn't matter and is completely replaced by the two or three hours that just happened.
Getting up in the morning is often helped by my determination to get my boyfriend awake.
He actually has shit to do, and would rather sleep for half the day.
So, I get up in order to pester him relentlessly.
He's thankful, but he also seeks vengeance in his own way...
He also occasionally makes horrendous noises in his sleep that make me think he is dying and/or possessed.