For those who haven't noticed, lately, I have been very stressed.
I, generally, like plans. They make me feel like I have some sense of control. Plans keep me calm.
Lately, most of my "plans" don't work out. People are wishy washy, other things come up, or I'm just plain forgotten.
This has gotten to me, but I stick by my friends who I can depend on, like a certain someone I wind up texting at least ten thousand times a day.
So, I had gotten to the point where I was okay with not going across the country to visit anyone or meet my boyfriend's family. I was disappointed, but fine.
Then, suddenly I had tickets and I was going. We just figured out TODAY how we will be getting to the plane TOMORROW.
As it turns out, I handle disappointment a heck of a lot better than I handle miraculously getting my way like I wanted to begin with... after accepting said disappointment. I don't know if it's that going through that mourning process for nothing bothers me, or if I have this underlying assumption that the good thing will just go away again... or what. Either way, it is devastating and I don't know what to do with myself when it happens. Especially lately.
Everything about this is making my heart try to escape my body.
After the accident, I sort of bottled everything. ...apparently. I didn't notice I was doing it. I'd say "Hey, lets talk about it." He'd say, "Of course." ...And then I'd, like, forget... or something. ... I don't know.
Either way, finally, with the trip coming up and me totally unprepared and over thinking things and everything at the boiling point... I had a bad dream, and it set me over the edge.
It got to the point where I was no longer able to make coherent thoughts that were anything other than hateful or depressing.
I went from screaming at him (probably not really, but it felt like I was screaming to both of us),
to sitting in a horrible bubble of pathetic depression, hysterical sobbing, and worthlessness,
to finally just wrapping myself in blankets and losing my mind.
...My boyfriend is amazingly patient. While I certainly find him frustrating from time to time, I have to give him credit for sitting this whole thing out.
Also, rarely will one find someone who is willing to pretend the whole thing never happened, just because you say, "Hey, lets pretend I didn't just act like a crazy person."
So, then we went on part of a planned date!
I say part, because the original intent was to see Sherlock and the Muppets movie. I was very excited to see the Muppets.
We went glow-golfing instead, which is also something I've been wanting to do since moving here.
It was awesome.
Black light glow golf.
And I rocked.
But, we didn't have time to see the movie. Either movie.
Every time I fail to see the Muppet movie, I feel like I'm breaking Kermit's heart.
This is especially disheartening because "Muppeteer" was on my list of dream careers, even as a kid. It was right up there with "rock star" and "Xena".
My text-buddy promises that she and I will see it, especially since she conveniently lives in the area I'm now flying to see.
...So... Chaos is finding order in itself. She understands my need for a plan, and her boyfriend understands where my boyfriend is coming from, so it has helped to talk to them both.
...I just heard breaking noises followed by giggling men. ...Wat?
And that is the life I currently live.
EDIT: The "breaking" was apparently more of a "pop". Is that better?
...Housemate says, "I could have died."
SECOND EDIT: It's okay guys! I have seen the Muppets! The rightful order has been restored! ...And my favorite muppet, Crazy Harry, was actually in a significant number of scenes!!!