Thursday, November 8, 2012
Time Travel As Therapy
I'm not talking in the hitch a ride on the Tardis or a hop in a Delorean and zoom off way, but in a reviewing, analyzing, and actually participating in my own life way.
I do a lot of analyzing with no purpose. I run circles around and around to no end. Hell, most of this blog is just that.
I never come to any new conclusion, nor do I find a new possibility for letting it all go.
Clearly, that shit ain't working.
So instead, I'm rewriting my history.
I noticed I was doing this by accident, subconsciously.
I was proud of myself for reconnecting with people I had pushed away, but there was more to it than what I'd thought. Beyond a sense of "Oh good, they are still here," there was a comfort that I hadn't expected.
A man I knew mostly in high school, a man I knew mostly at the art school, and a man I dated after my life was over the first time should not instantly make me more comfortable that some of my new very close friends, but they were.
I understand that my new friends are still the people to go to, but I needed to understand why talking to these old friends had the effect on me that it did. I think I get it now.
EDIT: On why I draw my problems as little blobs with staring eyes and sometimes tiny mouths... It's because that is exactly what they are. My problems just sit there and stare. They just sit and make me feel uncomfortable with looks that say they want me to do something for them, but they never open their stupid little mouths to tell me what they want. They just gawk and criticize silently. They wobble slightly and are at times even silly enough to be funny... but they bother me just the same. And in large amounts? When they gather up and become a crowd? There is hardly room to breathe.
I looked around recently and noticed that I'm most comfortable sitting where the computer is in the dining room of my parent's house, rather than eating in the kitchen. It dawned on me…
The kitchen has been completely redone in recent years. It is no longer the kitchen from the last time I lived here…
Which was six or seven years ago, after art school.
It was a time before my Psychology courses, which I have yet to pick up again.
It was a time when I felt my life was ending and that I was helpless…
Which I've picked up again.
I'm searching for nostalgia and comfort to be sure, but also a sense of going back in time to fix what can still be fixed. Not everything has been an issue, and already I've fixed some of the bigger problems.
For example, my fingers and my wrists have haunted me since art school. I've been afraid to really do the work I'm capable of because I'm afraid of the pain and the failure I may have to endure yet again.
But now, I have these fancy new braces on my ring fingers that look like Elvish jewelry and actually help minimize the discomfort. I also know how to pace myself more than I did back then, and I've been to a doctor who could confirm what I thought about my bones. They probably aren't going to get any worse. They just are what they are.
More than that, it could have been MUCH worse, but it isn't.
And now, that burden is lifted. Now I can relax enough to apply for art jobs and feel like I'm going somewhere. I still plan on finishing the MA in Psychology, but for now, I need more things like this.
I need to weed out the ones I can take care of, and then I can accept and let go of the things I can't change. This seems entirely logical in theory.
Obviously, some things are just plain done and over.
Some things can not ever find a proper ending, and so I'll never really have my closure.
So for the first time, it is actually convenient that I've lumped all my problems together.
It makes things overlap and count as other things from before.
I can't get my year at art school back. I can't make my medical leave matter or feel like I achieved anything from it.
But I left on medical leave from my most recent graduate school, and it was going about the same way. No one cared. The fact that I had a doctor give a note and everything didn't matter at all.
But it's supposed to.
And it will.
My parents and I wanted to just forget the whole thing, but that won't help. I'll just go the rest of my life adding this to the list of shit where I had no control and my life was meaningless, terrified that it will happen a third time because I'm too disabled to live a normal life, but not disabled enough to get any real help. Only pity.
I'm going to fight.
I'm going to write letters and make phone calls, and this time, my parents will help me do that.
I'm going to make someone listen to me, even if it doesn't change anything. The point will be that this time I actually TRIED instead of just crying and walking away.
This will be my closure for both schools, knowing I did wind up getting that art degree.
Maybe now, that art degree can mean something to me.
If my brain is going to decide that they are the same school and the same situation, I may as well make use of that. I'll trick myself into finally letting them both go at once.
Let them drift off on the wind.
They won't matter anymore because I will say they don't matter, not because anyone else says so.
For other things, I need to go backwards before I can go forwards.
For the eating issue, I need to remember what I ate and how I enjoyed it and who I ate these things with, and I need to just do it as though I am that person still. I need to make it habit and a want again. I need to become who I was in my mind, until I can act and feel like that person again.
THEN I can grow and move forward and be even stronger and better than I ever was.
This time, I'll fix my past and grow up to be a person who wants to drive.
I'll change my perception and how I reacted to things.
"I got into a terrible car accident! I could have died," will become "I survived even this terrible car accident! I'm invincible."
Instead of thinking of how many times I was accidentally "poisoned" by people who didn't care or realize how scary an allergy is, I'll acknowledge that I ate walnuts accidentally, took some Benadryl and YES it was scary, but NO I didn't die or even need to go to the hospital. I was fine.
Same thing happened years before with hazelnuts.
And, yes, I did get in trouble and swelled up with hives and vomit and shitting myself for three days because of a small bite of a macadamia nut cookie when a "friend" said there were no nuts in it... I even asked twice.
Okay, I always ask twice. Now I know to ask three times.
And I could have used my fucking epi-pen. I didn't. I could have, but I didn't. I don't know if I'm afraid of it, or what... But either way, the fact that I still freaking SURVIVED WITHOUT using it and I didn't go to the hospital EVEN THEN should say something. I should feel like I'm a fucking superhero.
Moving on, my throat got hurt, but obviously it then got better. If it happens again, I know to go to a doctor who isn't an idiot. If I get told it's acid reflux, I'll know that person is wrong, and I'll move on.
Looking at the posts I wrote at the time, I didn't have any idea what the Hell was going on anyway, and I'm sure that was a big component of it all. It's weird, but you can actually watch my transition from all the Fishbone bullshits all the way to Of Strength, Luck, and Crashing Down. It's an interesting change.
My faith in the world got rocked so far that I couldn't even fathom living in it anymore.
I get that.
So, maybe I'll be more cynical than before.
Maybe I won't be such a pushover.
This doesn't mean I have to be mean or a quiet ball of anger like I was as a kid, but I should take everything with a grain of salt and regrow my instincts.
I used to have very good instincts, as I recall.
I'm freaking awesome, damn it. Time that I remembered and understood that.
I never believed it, but if I can convince myself that somewhere in my mind, deep down, I knew it, then I can assume that it was always there. I can "remember" it.
My memories are so muddled anyway, and I have such trouble remembering the good things, I may as well start making shit up.
I won't lie or completely fabricate nonsense, but I can pretend that I felt differently about certain situations.
I can pretend that I let things go and simply learned from them in order to better myself.
Maybe I can teach others and I can avoid the same mistakes again.
Fear solves nothing.
Fear will kill me and I would much rather live.
I have a lot left to do if I'm going to make this stupid world any smarter.
I can notice different parts of the scenes playing before me as I go back in time, and I can choose to pick out different parts to keep with me.
I'll find the most helpful parts this time.
It is time for a rewrite.
I have friends who can help me edit. I'm not in this alone.
I'll look at this post and this Winter is Coming to remind me of that.
And already, I have rekindled some friendships I had missed.
It may have been for odd reasons, but they were people I valued and people I felt I wasn't good enough to keep.
I am good enough.
I am fucking awesome,
and I WILL survive this.
This is my life.
This is MY story.
I will decide how the next chapter goes.