So, something I've been neglecting in my “I have time to get better, and I'm getting there...” is that Winter is coming. I live in an area where when Winter hits, it HITS HARD.
This is a problem for a few reasons.
Winter = cold and cold = pain for me. I have a harder time drawing and painting when it's cold, and those are the things currently keeping me sort of okay. I also avoid going outside when it's cold, so the fact that I just started wanting to actually DO things with my friends is ...Well it's bad timing, really.
I certainly get my own milder style of seasonal depression. It never gets as bad as some people have it. Still, I already have this anxious, crippling, whatever-the-fuck funk cloud constantly above my head. What the Hell is this going to turn into? Or will I not even notice?
As sad as it is, I typically have a somebody around in the Winter. This is either a boyfriend or a good friend that I can cuddle up to for warmth and talk to when things are down in order to pretend it is not a season of never ending frozen night.
Well, I've got some friends for that, both new and old. This is good because I'm currently single (the longest I've been so in a long time) and my traditional cuddle buddy is on the other side of the country.
I've even rekindled a friendship or two out of my realizing what I really wanted and missed in my life.
My weeding out of some of the awful influences made a nice gap for the people I was too shy about to come back.
...So it's unfortunate that I'm still a loon.
I'm lonely and I want physical affection as well as time spent with people I care about... but I'm still just as freaked out about people touching me or breathing on me as I am about eating most foods, regardless of who or what is involved.
There are very few circumstances where I'll suck it up or even relax enough to forget. I'll still panic before and after, but these calm moments of not giving a shit are precious to me these days.
And then my self esteem comes in to fuck up my day.
I wonder why anyone would want to spend time with me until I convince myself that no one really does, despite the HUGE AMOUNT OF EVIDENCE to the contrary.
...Even you, Sign-Pointing-Guy. You are so not into this.
So I picture myself as this burden, and I either shut up, afraid to say anything, or I over-share, afraid that I'll be misunderstood.
Normally, my best buddy would be getting all this crap. To a certain extent, she still does, but she is busy being an adult type person and I don't want to bother her with my insane-child shit.
...See? See, it's that logic again. The fuck.
Instead, I've been not so silently putting it on an old companion who I've dragged rather forcibly back into my life, fully aware that I'm about fifty cards short of a deck.
I find him comforting and supportive, and I know I can be the same for him. He reminds me of who I was years ago, and also who I was in the time when he barely even knew me anymore.
...And then I just feel guilty that he should have to put up with me at all.
Below is my depiction of the whole thing. Feel free to click on it to enlarge it in order to read my lunatic rantings.
The man is not so much of a pushover that he couldn't just ignore me and walk the fuck away if he wanted to. None of my friends are. These are all people who actually *gasp* care about me.
Why would they?
It doesn't matter.
I should just be thankful and move on.
Mind you, in my case with him specifically, we have basically abandoned each other before on some level, though even then, it was with good intentions. As odd as it sounds, we were trying to avoid hurting each other. We just did it... wrong.
Still, I now know that one phone call would have fixed it.
I chose to assume he wanted nothing to do with me, just as he chose to assume I wouldn't miss him.
We are the same kind of stupid. You would think this would mean we'd each give each other the benefit of a doubt as friends.
But, it's nice when we are just relaxed and together. We have a history and we know each other pretty well, but we also were apart long enough that there are still things to learn. I have other friends who would fall into this category, and they wouldn't necessarily have the added complication of my physical attraction, but on some level, I suppose I'm just thankful that I'm still capable of having said attraction to someone. Even if it doesn't amount to anything, it's comforting to have.
No expectations, just honesty and friendship, knowing we care about each other. That's pretty freaking cool, and something I've been needing. Being someone I've had a relationship with in the past, we also avoid that nagging "I wonder" feeling on many levels. We already know to a certain extent, even if it didn't last very long. There are still "what ifs" but not enough that it would hurt anything.
This is all pretty damn cool.
...Until I over-think it.